To my brother.

Happy Birthday. You would have been 23 today. I try piecing together all the time why I’m here and you’re not. I don’t know why I am here, and it makes me angry because I can promise you that your life would probably be better than mine is.

Our siblings would have loved you. They knew you were coming before I was even thought of. I was a surprise, and still am not welcomed into the family like they are. You would have been my full blooded brother. My only real 100% sibling and that would have been our bond, right there.

I believe you saved me that night on the bathroom floor when I attempted suicide. I believe you saved me from a lot of messed up situations I have been in. I truly put you to work as my guardian angel.

You and Grandpa are the only ones that probably see the hurt I feel. I believe mom would feel 100% differently if you were here. And I think Dad would be happy to have a son, rather than a daughter. You could have gone to work with Dad, while I’m here freeloading at his house.

The truth is, is that I know my life would have been different if you were on Earth. I wouldn’t be in the situations I am in, I wouldn’t have befriended a lot of people for the sole reason that we would have been so close in age. You would have weeded out the bad people for me. You would have been a real big brother to me, instead of the other two. My heart longs for you to be here.

I am hurting, Cor. Whenever this date rolls along, I question the possibilities more than I already do on a daily basis. I bet mom will wake up in the morning and hurt knowing that todays the day she held you for a small amount of time.

I am sorry you aren’t here with us. I am sorry that you probably see our family and wonder why it is so pushed apart and distant. Just know that I love you and I miss the person that I think you would be.

Happy Birthday.

Love,

Han